On Finding Balance

I've been unconsciously and consciously seeking balance for the last ten years of my life. To say I do not come from a long line of balanced individuals would be a gross understatement of history in every possible way, LOL. So I started out at a disadvantage.

I used to work in the non-profit world where they frown on balance. They want you obsessed by the cause, devoting all your waking hours to it. They want to fix all the ills of the world and they truly believe you can do it with money alone. Well, and the slave labor of grossly underpaid brilliant college educated women. And that was what began to wake me up. I came to realize I was spending all my time and energy "out there" trying to fix the world that I had begun to suspect didn't really want to be fixed. It was some version of saving the world I guess, and I truly thought it was the most noble of professions. Then someone introduced me to a revolutionary concept: The most profound radical change you can make in the world is to change yourself. And I have been relearning that one simple idea over and over again, with deeper and newer meaning for the last ten years. I cannot change other people. People change when they are ready to change. I can change me.

I was working for a Non profit Women's Foundation in Los Angeles in the fundraising department about ten years ago when Celiac Disease first reared it's head. I had no idea what was wrong with me, only that I had this terrible sickening nausea most of the time and had hideous bouts of joint pain that even massive doses of Advil could not touch. Several doctors shrugged their shoulders after running batteries of tests. This was not, and still unfortunately is not an uncommon response by doctors. That it took ten years to get a diagnosis is also not unusual. I read somewhere that 9 years is the average now.

Still, I read between the doctors frowns and concluded, as they had, that it must all be in my head; a product of a stress filled purposeful modern dedicated life. So I went off seeking stress management training so that I could "handle" what was a pretty hideous, stress filled, difficult, unappreciated job. I went to a hypnotherapist named Michael Benner. I had listened to Michael for years on KLOS and other stations in L.A.. I signed up for his stress management course and inadvertently jump started a search for balance and peace and personal growth that continues to this day.

You could ask I suppose, which did I truly need at that point; stress management or a gluten free diet? It's irrelevant what I needed then. I realize that profoundly and deeply. What was, does not matter. All that matters is what I learned from it that brought me to here and now. Had I never met Michael I would not be where I am. He was as much a catalyst as a teacher; a spring board into a world of concepts and ideas I'd only danced around at that point. He was the one who planted the idea in my head that changing and growing me was the most radical peaceful relevant thing I could do with my life.

Still it took me another four years and yet another even more stress filled non profit job for me to finally go in search of balance. When I did, we're talking leap off into the deep end of the pool search. I do nothing the easy way. Many is the time I've wished I could. Why dip your toe in when you can plunge into the deep end without a life jacket? It's quicker and saves a lot of deliberating along the way I guess, but damn it can be cold and frightening.

I began to find myself up here in the mountains, my true self. It was a difficult search though, complicated by the symptoms of Celiac Disease; most notably depression and rage and varying degrees of physical discomfort. Which brings me to this moment. This diagnosis. The need to understand why and how and what it was all for. All the symptoms I've experienced over that last ten years were a result of Celiac Disease. But what "caused" the Celiac? No one knows what turns on the Celiac genes. Many more people have the genes than will be diagnosed with or suffer from Celiacs. Something like 80% of the population has genes for either Celiac or simple Gluten Intolerance. What turns those genes on in some and not in others?

In my case I now understand. It was stress. It was stress all along, at each point where the Celiac symptoms got worse it corresponded to the stress levels in my life. It was stress from the very start. Celiac is just an expression of that stress. An expression I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Talk about an overkill lesson. But again, I do nothing the easy way so who is surprised? So, here's the funny part, I'm back at it, trying to actively manage the stress in my life. I know now that I have to take it a lot further than I already have or I will in all likelihood suffer even more as a result of Celiac Disease.

Celiac Disease tends to cause allergies for those who have it. In simple terms it does that by altering the walls of the small intestine so that larger particles than normal pass through the intestine into the blood and into the abdominal cavity. The body sees these "abnormal" size particles and attacks them because they are out of place. In the process the body memorizes the particle make up and responds with the same immune reaction the next time they encounter a similar particle anywhere in the body. In simple terms, that is what allergies are; the body remembering. Because of the intestinal damage it is believed Celiacs are prone to multiple significant allergies. I was determined when I was diagnosed that I would not be one of those people. Yeah. Well. No. By the time I had decided that I already was.

Once I got all the gluten out of my body I could tell that there was still something wrong. So I went through several elimination diets. I know now that I am allergic to corn and vegetables/fruits in the nightshade family. So life without bread was bad huh? Try life without mashed potatoes or french fries. And corn is in everything, as I found out last night. I mean come on, how many people know that there's cornstarch in powdered sugar? I know it now.

That new knowledge sent me into a tail spin. I'd barely adjusted to being gluten free when I faced the task of cutting corn and nightshades out of my diet as well. Here's a good one. I'd started making bunless hamburgers. That's cool. Most of the taste is in the meat and condiments anyway. Okay, now try a bunless hamburger WITHOUT ketchup. I'm sure somewhere out there is someone who prefers it that way. They're just not me. So I was insufferable for about two weeks after finding out about corn and nightshades. And I am afraid. I live in fear of what might be next. Will there be something else? Will there be anything left to eat?

That is why I started to ask myself what all of THIS is about? And the answer once I asked and shut up long enough to listen was stress. This need to control the uncontrollable. Which led me to the concept of peace and the idea that it all must begin with me. I can change nothing. I can only change myself. I cannot change what is, I can only change how I react to it. I am trying to unlearn forty something years of learning and reacting. I'm trying to find the most peaceful way to get through each day. I want to live. That is it. I want to live, and Celiacs have a whole host of illnesses waiting for them out there. The only way I know of to short circuit all of that is to learn to relax and respond with peace. I'm convinced, that and diet are all that stand between me and being six feet under.

I was sitting watching the snow fall, in April of all things, yesterday when it struck me how far I have come from ten years ago to now. But it has all of it, that parts that are worth talking about, been an inward journey. I'm not richer or thinner or prettier. Everything I've gained holds worth only to me. It also struck me that I'm somehow on a fast track here. As if I need to cram more into this life than the average person. That is the way it feels. Or I could just still be feeling sorry for myself. Gods I miss salsa and ketchup and BBQ sauce and . . . I could go . . . As I wrote once before, someone better have a damned good explanation for all this in Summerland. If this is just some twisted joke of the Gods I am not amused.