Is This How It's Going to Be?

A new book came highly recommended to me: Celiac Disease: A Hidden Epidemic by Peter Green. I'll do anything at this point to better understand my body, my mind this Disease. When I ordered this book I was determined and forcefully optimistic. I think that I thought if I learned everything I could, that would someone make it all okay and safe and painless. Hey, I'm strange. I've always found comfort in information, sheer volumes of information. After all, that's how a rational mind comes to the correct conclusions right? It's what guarantees success.

I started reading it last night. Much of it I've already learned, but it's all there in the one book. I guess it's having all the bad stuff, every negative I've read in bits and pieces on the web now staring me in the face all in one place, page after page, that turned out to be too hard today.

There's a lovely chapter about the significantly increased risk of cancer. Then there's that paragraph that caught my eye about Celiac Disease possibly bringing on early menopause. And I think what finally did it was the chapter on Depression. That's when I lost it. I haven't found it yet by the way. I'm sobbing as I type this.

Well, at least the periods in between the overwhelming fear terror anger and despair are getting longer. I'll take whatever little perk I can get. Gods, shouldn't have used the word perk. I'd kill for a cup of coffee or a spoon of ice cream right now. Anything to take my mind of it all. But coffee this late would give me indigestion and I have no ice cream in the house at the moment. Note to self: Never ever run out of ice cream again. It's days like this I wish I could drink and forget. Unfortunately drinking has never worked for me. It anything it makes it worse. So the only way out is through it and hope I get to the other side really soon. For whatever reason this is the way it's supposed to be. I don't have any other comfort in my life, with the possible exception of my very life. I've survived a shit load of crap and I'm still alive. I've lost so much and I'm still here. But some days I feel like I'm surviving by the skin of my teeth.

Perhaps I'll read a few fairy tales tonight before bed instead of another chapter. I've had enough reality for now.