duhhhhh . . .

The answers were literally HERE all along. At least I think they are. I read back a bit though old posts and found it last March. That's when I figured it out. This has never been the best stretch of months for me, not in over twenty years. In December of 1986 my sister in law passed, and two months later my maternal grandmother and a month later in March my Mother. I was 25 at the time and unprepared for any of it. Three years later, again in March my Father passed. Four years later same time my best friend, my oldest friend passed. This time of year has been painful too many times I guess.

I've never been one to give a season an emotion or a meaning. Winter isn't dark and dismal, how can it be when the snow lights up the world so brightly I need shades? And there have been years where it didn't bother me. I wish I knew why.

But I suppose I've been in too fragile a state lately. It's not just the dog, though that's certainly part of it. It's his house. We're finally at the place where my father's house can be renovated and sold. And I believe I have lost a sister in the process. But for so many reasons this is what had to happen. And in truth at this point I will miss the house more than the sister. I grew up in that house, spent my entire childhood there. It is my childhood. But it has to go on and house another family and belong to someone else. That should have happened decades ago.

So I'm still sad, in a general weepy sort of way. I think I will be for who knows how long. But it's easier knowing why. At least I think I understand.

I'm Too Old for This

I did a few truly stupid things the other night. I ate a pizza and I had a glass of sparkling wine. For me that was a pretty stupid choice. The pizza was gluten free. I'm not that stupid. But the tomato sauce on it was a poor choice. Couple that with the sulfites in the wine and I had a hideous night followed by a worse morning. I know better. I know what tomato anything does to me now. I know what sulfites do to me. I'd love to be able to say it was an accident. But I can't. I had to make the pizza dough and open the can of tomato sauce and open the bottle of wine. Those were all deliberate acts on my part.

I believe it was a futile gesture of rebellion. Futile because lets face it, there is no ONE to rebel against; no one but me to care what I did. I was only hurting myself and absolutely no one else. It was one of those insane gestures that you make when you've had enough and you don't know quite what else to do. Dumb dumb dumb. I wish I could explain it better than that but I can't as yet.

I do believe I've hit a rough patch on the road. I no longer crave Big Macs of Taco Salads or any of that other stuff. The whole restaurant thing is no longer a part of my life and I'm fine with that. I haven't eaten in a restaurant in over 15 months. I don't really crave any of it anymore. It's not about cravings. It is so not about that. So then what? Why do that to myself?

I was afraid I was going to loose the dog a couple weeks ago. She had to have four teeth pulled, and at her advanced age that's really rough on a dog. The vet and I made an conscious decisions years ago when I got her not to clean her teeth regularly because they were simple so bad when I adopted her at age four that we figured she'd have to have one or two out every couple years. That turned out not to be the case. She went almost seven years without dental work. But the anesthesia was really hard on her. I wondered those first couple days if she was going to snap out of it. As it was it took her almost a week to get back to her old self.

I know how hard it will hit when I do loose her. Somehow that's all part of this. I'm not entirely sure how though. Someone said in an interview the other day words to the effect that he'd lost things in this life he never thought he'd loose. I read those words and sat and cried for an hour. I'd love to track the man down and ask him how in the world he lives knowing that. I don't need to know the particulars he spoke of to understand the phrase. The easy things to loose are cars and houses and things. People and pets are harder to loose. But I think the hardest things to loose are those things that change your point of view forever. Once you turn that corner you can't ever turn back. Once it's lost it can never be gotten back.

I long ago lost the sense that everything would always work out in the end; I know now that sometimes it just doesn't and you have to live with the terrible aftermath. I've lost the sense that your family's love will always be there; people change in ways you couldn't have imagined and the love changes with them. I've lost a sense of knowing exactly who I am and have had to recreate myself without using parts from the past and a whole lot of imagination. I've lost the innocence of not knowing the whys of so much of my own life and history; I understand more and more every day and it draws me deeper and deeper into what was really my past and not the one I thought I had.

That whole wisdom with age thing just truly SUCKS. I don't want anymore wisdom or understanding. Enough. I can't handle anymore. Just let me play catch up for a year or two. Let me figure out why a dozen printed words on a page made me cry for an hour. Just give me a minute will ya Lady?