duhhhhh . . .

The answers were literally HERE all along. At least I think they are. I read back a bit though old posts and found it last March. That's when I figured it out. This has never been the best stretch of months for me, not in over twenty years. In December of 1986 my sister in law passed, and two months later my maternal grandmother and a month later in March my Mother. I was 25 at the time and unprepared for any of it. Three years later, again in March my Father passed. Four years later same time my best friend, my oldest friend passed. This time of year has been painful too many times I guess.

I've never been one to give a season an emotion or a meaning. Winter isn't dark and dismal, how can it be when the snow lights up the world so brightly I need shades? And there have been years where it didn't bother me. I wish I knew why.

But I suppose I've been in too fragile a state lately. It's not just the dog, though that's certainly part of it. It's his house. We're finally at the place where my father's house can be renovated and sold. And I believe I have lost a sister in the process. But for so many reasons this is what had to happen. And in truth at this point I will miss the house more than the sister. I grew up in that house, spent my entire childhood there. It is my childhood. But it has to go on and house another family and belong to someone else. That should have happened decades ago.

So I'm still sad, in a general weepy sort of way. I think I will be for who knows how long. But it's easier knowing why. At least I think I understand.