Is This How It's Going to Be?

A new book came highly recommended to me: Celiac Disease: A Hidden Epidemic by Peter Green. I'll do anything at this point to better understand my body, my mind this Disease. When I ordered this book I was determined and forcefully optimistic. I think that I thought if I learned everything I could, that would someone make it all okay and safe and painless. Hey, I'm strange. I've always found comfort in information, sheer volumes of information. After all, that's how a rational mind comes to the correct conclusions right? It's what guarantees success.

I started reading it last night. Much of it I've already learned, but it's all there in the one book. I guess it's having all the bad stuff, every negative I've read in bits and pieces on the web now staring me in the face all in one place, page after page, that turned out to be too hard today.

There's a lovely chapter about the significantly increased risk of cancer. Then there's that paragraph that caught my eye about Celiac Disease possibly bringing on early menopause. And I think what finally did it was the chapter on Depression. That's when I lost it. I haven't found it yet by the way. I'm sobbing as I type this.

Well, at least the periods in between the overwhelming fear terror anger and despair are getting longer. I'll take whatever little perk I can get. Gods, shouldn't have used the word perk. I'd kill for a cup of coffee or a spoon of ice cream right now. Anything to take my mind of it all. But coffee this late would give me indigestion and I have no ice cream in the house at the moment. Note to self: Never ever run out of ice cream again. It's days like this I wish I could drink and forget. Unfortunately drinking has never worked for me. It anything it makes it worse. So the only way out is through it and hope I get to the other side really soon. For whatever reason this is the way it's supposed to be. I don't have any other comfort in my life, with the possible exception of my very life. I've survived a shit load of crap and I'm still alive. I've lost so much and I'm still here. But some days I feel like I'm surviving by the skin of my teeth.

Perhaps I'll read a few fairy tales tonight before bed instead of another chapter. I've had enough reality for now.

The Smallest of Lives Can Teach the Biggest of Lessons

"As it had shined across him all his life, so understanding lighted that moment for Jonathan Seagull. They were right. He could fly higher, and it was time to go home.

He gave one last look across the sky, across that magnificent silverland where he had learned so much.

"I'm ready " he said at last.

And Jonathan Livingston Seagull rose with the two starbright gulls to disappear into a perfect dark sky."

Jonathan Livingston Seagull
Richard Bach

It would seem that the impact of someone in your life isn't measured by their size, or even how long they're with you. Sometimes people animals and even small little wild birds can sidle up to you and begin to resonate throughout your life. You see your struggles in their struggles, you understand their challenges because you too are challenged that way. Without realizing it's happened they become a teacher and a kind companion for your sorrows and joys.

I hope you come back next life Fidge as a soaring eagle, who knows nothing but the freedom of the wind and the joy of flight.

TIME WARNER SUCKS!!!

TIME WARNER SUCKS. All I'm gonna say. They know why. In the ever constant search for more and more money they've repeatedly screwed everyone in Southern California. MERGERS SUCK. I hope Time Warner drowns in it's own puke infested rhetoric!

Deep cleansing breath . . . . . . . . .

You have to understand, I deal with a lot of cable systems and radio stations in my work. Some are better than others. Ever since the merger in Southern California between Time Warner Comcast and Adelphia it's been hell. I waited two months for a revised invoice, after making seven requests to anyone who would listen. Lets see, two months divided by 7, that's 3.5 requests a month or close to a request a week. The woman I finally talked to who managed to get the invoice redone made Elmer Fudd sound like a Rhodes Scholar. Then after two weeks of waiting she sends it to the client who calls me and says "What the hell is this and what are we supposed to do with it?" The temptation to tell them exactly what to do with it was strong, but I managed to not go there.

So hats off to Time Warner for screwing things up in so many ways and so much worse than anyone could have ever anticipated; all in the name of profits.